


It Was Always You

by blazersandbarricades



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: Eventual Relationships, Fluff and Angst, Inspired by Music, M/M, Mild Smut, Slow Burn, Unrequited Crush, Vlogger Jeff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-11
Updated: 2011-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 06:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4553460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blazersandbarricades/pseuds/blazersandbarricades
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by the Panic! At The Disco song "Always". Jeff is in love with Nick but feels as if he must hide his feelings since he's unsure of Nick's, so he rants out his feelings in vlogs, for his own personal benefit, until the truth comes out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oblivious

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I wrote this fanfiction back in 2011 and it is probably my favourite I've ever written because of the fact I actually finished a chaptered story, and found the theme of it so incredible to write, and just overall enjoyed it. I'm sure it is a bit childish since I wrote it years ago, but I'm still proud of it, and thought to publish it here.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to own Glee, or any characters associated with the show.
> 
> This chapter is written from Jeff's POV. The italics represent his thoughts.

ob•liv•i•ous Adjective: Not aware of or not concerned about what is happening around one.

[Record] It's really silly how much we thrive on the opinions of others. We can kid ourselves into thinking they don't matter; but in reality, they highly influence us and our decisions. It's the same thing with relationships. We pretend we're okay with being alone but then why do we thrive on knowing what someone thinks of us? Why do we let ourselves become so attached to another person and develop feelings for them just in the miniscule chance they'll be returned? Maybe it's because that's how we were raised; brought up with Disney stories of royalty and marriage. No one told you how much it sucks when you're the only one feeling emotions towards another person. No one told you how much heartbreak physically and emotionally scars you. No one told you what happens if relationships don't work out. Where are those stories? Where's the truth? Yes, I sound extremely cynical. Maybe I am? I'm not in denial over that. I'm just tired; fed up and tired of falling for someone who doesn't return my feelings except in the meaning of friendship. I'm tired of convincing myself that things might work out.

Honestly, I'm tired of trying. It's hard enough liking someone of the opposite gender. I don't. I'm different and that's difficult to get through some days. At Dalton, people are more accepting so it's not like the apocalypse is coming if you announce that you're gay. Unfortunately, it's hard if you like someone of the same gender but you have no idea what their orientation is. It's even worse if they're your best friend. I'm Jeff Sterling, male, seventeen, Dalton Academy Warbler, currently rooming and falling for my best friend, Nick Duval, and this is my vlog. I decided to spend the lonely hours where I'm supposed to be studying chemistry to rant about my sad, pathetic crush on Nick. He's never going to find this videos because I delete them as soon as I finish recording but I guess it's some way that I can let out how I'm feeling without telling anyone at Dalton. I don't want to involve an outsider to match-make us. I don't want a third wheel. I just don't want this to get out so it's private information for my eyes only. It probably sounds depressive that I talk to myself in a camera and just delete it as soon as I press stop but it's a outlet so I feel like I said what I needed to say. Of course, I'll never say it to his face. How could I? We're best friends. I'm gay; he's something...I don't even know. I'm not going to just jump headfirst into the chaotic explosion of "let's tell your best friend you've been crushing on his for two years and see how he responds" No. That's not happening. [Stop]

"Jeff! We're going to be late for Warbler rehearsal!" Nick shouted at his roommate, while opening their door. Jeff quickly minimized his webcam tab and closed his laptop.

"I'm coming!"

"Where's your tie?" Nick asked curiously, as Jeff got up from the desk.

"I..umm...left it somewhere in here..." The blonde answered, searching around his cluttered room.

"You're such a hoarder. Do you really need all of this stuff? How do you manage to find anything in your side of the room?" He laughed, glancing at the mess of the right side of their double room.

"I know where things are! It just takes me a while to find them." Jeff smirked, successfully finding his tie wedged in between his bookshelf and the desk.

"Well then...you're going to lose something important one of these days." Nick shook his head in defeat.

_As long as I don't lose you, we're good._ "Yeah, we'll see about that." Jeff replied, struggling to knot his tie.

"Here, let me do it."

"I hate ties. I still can never get it right."

"That's why I'm here. Really, man, what would you do without me?" Nick smiled, bringing his hands around his roommate's neck and glancing up into his brown eyes.

"I probably wouldn't last a day." Jeff responded honestly. It was true; without Nick, he wouldn't be himself anymore. He built his life around his best friend, spent every moment with him for the past few years; he wouldn't know how to react if Nick was no longer there.

_Stop looking at me like that. God, your eyelashes are so long...Stop staring, Jeff. Stop it. He's not into you. You don't have a chance. Don't kid yourself...but it would be so easy to just kiss him; his lips are right there, pretty much begging for mine...No...Remember what you said in that video. Pretend you don't have feelings for him...pretend...pretend..._

"There. Now, come on, you know how Wes gets when any of us are late. I don't want to hear endless gavel pounding." Nick smirked, grabbing his friend by the blazer and dragging him out the door.

_So he likes to be in control? Good to know. Maybe he'd prefer me pounding into him? Maybe, he likes it rough, he sure is yanking on my jacket...God, Jeff! What are you thinking! Shutupshutupshutup!_

Xx

Warbler rehearsal was torturous. Jeff couldn't stop thinking quite undapper thoughts about his best friend. Flint heard his cursing and nudged him, politely telling him to stop swearing and focus. Jeff knew he wasn't supposed to be feeling this way; it was wrong; it was only going to end in disaster; Nick would reject him and all that pining would be for nothing. He needed to calm down; he needed a distraction, if only he could tear his eyes away from Nick's unbuttoned blazer, it had came undone during one of the dance rehearsals and Jeff didn't dare mention it in fear Nick would fix it.

_Ten minutes._

_Nine…_

_Eight…_

_Seven…_

"Jeff! Pay attention!" Wes pounded his gavel against the hardwood desk as glares resounded from the council trio. Thad was grinning like an idiot, quite pleased at Jeff's display of misbehaviour and David gave him a knowing, sympathetic look.  _Does he know? OH SHIT! DAVID KNOWS!_ Internally, Jeff was writhing on the floor in pain and humiliation but simply swallowed in reply and apologized to the council.  _He knows, he knows, he knows…he's going to tell Nick…what if Nick has already found out? Fuck, I'm so screwed…_

"What's gotten into you?" Flint asked slightly smirking at the blonde. "You're acting like you're on crack; blanking out during background vocals, flumbing up dance moves and staring off into space like you're in some trance...Whatever you're on, I want some."

"I'm not taking drugs." Jeff scowled, hoping Nick hadn't noticed his everything Flint apparently did.

"Well, what's wrong with you then?"Flint pressured, knowing something was unsual about Jeff's recent behaviour. He tried to look for clues and now that drugs were ruled out, his list was very limited. He'd narrowed it down to one of three things: heavily worked up about some guy, sexually aroused by some guy or anxiously awaiting some guy's sweet lovin'.

"Nothing; stop drawing attention to me." Jeff whispered in reply, trying to focus on Wes' speech while eying Nick's reactions.

"I think you did enough damage by yourself." Flint teased, jabbing him in the side.

"Would you just shut up?" Jeff's eyes widened as Nick's attention flitted towards himself and he flashed that genuine, all-knowing smile that caused Jeff's knees to weaken upon command.  _Stop staring. Stop staring…oh God…Why does he have to be so perfect? Guh, you bastard; why do we have to share a room? I really need to lock you out and take care of this fucking problem you were the cause of. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

"…Regionals is in a month…Practise starts at 2pm on Saturday…Solo auditions…See you then…"

_Finally._

Jeff made his way out the door as soon as Wes' gavel hit the desk to wrap up rehearsal. He needed to find some place to take care of his ever-growing problem where Nick couldn't find him. The only thing preventing his search was Flint tagging along with a wideset grin plastered on his face.

"Who is he?"

"What?"  _Go away, I'm not in the mood to talk right now...Unless you're Nick whispering dirty things in my ear…_

"The guy you're fucking." Flint fingers coiled around Jeff's arm and stopped him in his tracks. "It's written all over your face. Who is he? Are you meeting him now? Is that why you're so…heated?" Flint inquired, glancing his eyes downward with a chuckle.

"You're so immature." Jeff rolled his eyes in response and pulled away from Flint's grasp. He couldn't do this right now. Not now, not tomorrow, not this month. No one needed to know about his crush on Nick.  _Crush? More like two years long pining love for your best friend._

"Well, how about you enlighten me? What exactly about Warbler practice causes raging hard-ons? Tell me your secret, oh wise one!" Flint continued, not caring whether Jeff wanted to ignore him or not.

_What if Flint wasn't the only one who noticed?_

Jeff glared in reply and knuckles gripped firmly around Flint's blazer collar. "You tell a soul and you won't be able to feel your cock after I'm done with you."

"That's hot. Is that what you told your mystery man? So who tops in this relationship of yours? Or is this strictly sex? Fuck buddies are fun, you know. I'd be totally okay with it if you were fucking some guy just for the hell of it; who needs morals anyways?" Flint rambled on, grinning wider as Jeff's face turned crimson with embarrassment.

"I'm not fucking anyone."

"But you want to, am I right? Who is he? You might as well tell me or else I'll do some sleuthing of my own."

"NO!"

"Woah, calm down; you can join in my master plan of stalking! I won't leave you out, don't worry."

"Do you ever shut up? No wonder no one rooms with you!"

"Ooh burn."

"If I tell you will you shut your mouth and stop following me? I kind of need to get rid of this problem before…"

"Before?"

Jeff sighed in response. There was no way he could avoid it now. He couldn't mention Nick without going red in the face once more. After all, Flint wasn't going to ease up on him so he might as well spill the beans and get some advice.

"Nick. It's Nick."

"You're fucking Nick!"

"NO!" Jeff covered Flint's mouth with his hand and glared fiercely. "I told you, I'm not dating anyone. I'm not having sex with anyone. There's nothing going on between Nick and I."  _But how I wish there was…_

Flint nodded in understanding and Jeff removed his grasp.

"Sorry."

"No problem; I'm still breathing aren't I? Okay, so you like Nick. What's the problem with that? You already room with him—"

"Exactly! I share a dorm with him. I'm his best friend. I can't tell him; don't you get that? It would mess everything up between us. Even if he was okay with me confessing, the awkwardness never goes away. I don't even know if he's gay! I can't just tell my best friend that I'm in love with him and risk losing years of friendship."

"But he's your best friend? He's Nick. You  _know_  him. You know how he'd act; you know what he'd say in response whether he liked you back or not. He's the nicest guy I know, this wouldn't wreck your friendship, believe me." Flint smiled encouragingly, gripping Jeff's shoulder and giving him a tight squeeze of reassurance.

"You don't understand…"  _No one ever understands…_


	2. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audition practice - Spring Awakening style.

[Record] You know that feeling of dread and anxiety you get after you make a decision, unknowing what the consequences will be? Yeah, welcome to my life. I just told Flint…I know I said I wanted this to be a secret but it sort of just came out, just like I wish Nick would. Flint better keep his damn mouth shut. Sure, maybe it would be better to tell Nick the truth but that's not happening. How do you tell your best friend something  _that_  crucial? You don't. You learn to hide in the shadows and only let out the appropriate amount of information of course, it would be great to know those personal facts about Nick but I don't want to force him. The worst thing about being different than the norm is the fact most of us hide…we hide who we are. We hide our identity. We hide our passions, our fears, our true selves. We hide behind masks. We disguise ourselves in order to fit the expectations of society. It's disgraceful to be different. You get ridiculed, humiliated and ostracized. Dalton's rule is really a life saver. I know too many people who were in shitty situations before we heard about Dalton. I don't want to name names but let's just say I bonded with people for specific reasons. We can get into my life story later…or never. Nick doesn't know how bad my life really was before I came here, why should I tell you? I guess I'm the only one who watches these vlogs anyway, so, it shouldn't matter really. I've become so used to internalizing my emotions. It was easier that way. Easy…how ironic…our lives are never easy; why do we put so much time and effort into "hoping for a better tomorrow" when perhaps we might not even make it? Sorry, my cynical pessimist side is coming out again…maybe Nick can fix that, then again, maybe not? He doesn't even know. [Stop]

Jeff was supposed to be practicing for his audition. He and Nick are going to attempt for the solo at sectionals, yet again, seventh/fourth times' a charm, right? Jeff still hadn't decided on a song. He needed it to be perfect with subtle hints of his hidden emotions that perhaps Nick would catch. It was worth a shot.

"Jeff!"

"Wha—Oh, hi." Jeff's face paled as his eyes frantically met his roommates hoping Nick didn't notice his webcam screen still open on his desktop.

"Why are you so jumpy?" Nick inquired, leaning against the frame of their open doorway.

"I'm not." Jeff snapped, nervously caught off guard.

"Whoa, okay, touched a nerve there. What's up with you, man? You've been…I don't know…distant lately." Nick replied solemnly walking over to the blonde and placing his hand on his shoulder, fingers brushing against the firm fabric of Jeff's blazer ever so lightly.

_Stop that. Stop teasing me._

"I'm fine." Jeff answered cooly. "Don't worry about it."

"You're my best friend. I'm  _always_  going to worry about you." Nick smile weakly, eyes clouded over with concern.

"Did you pick out your audition piece? Feel like helping me?" Jeff changed his tune quickly, spinning in his computer chair to face Nick completely.

"It's a secret."

"Which is code for no, right?" Jeff smirked, knowing his best friend oh too well.

_What else is a secret? What are you hiding from me? Are you hiding yourself in the closet as well?_

"Hey! It's harder than it looks!" Nick protested, a dramatic pout forming on his face, causing Jeff to smile in response.

"Join the club of procrastination, my friend."

"Does this club have snacks? Can we order pizza and just procrastinate further and watch movies all night? Please?" Nick pressured, leaning into Jeff's face with puppy dog eyes.

"I'll never turn down pizza and movies." Jeff responded, clenching his fist at the small inch of distance between them.

_Why do you torture me so? I could kiss you right now. It's only a matter of seconds. I could slip my fingers into your hair, cupping your face and finally—no._

"Victory is mine! Shove over! I want to order food!" Nick pushed Jeff's chair over to the side, wheels rolling across the floor, his attention diverting toward the laptop screen.

"No! Just—"

"Are you filming naughty things on webcam Jeffrey? Ooh! I'm calling your mother!"

"Nick! Just ignore that. I was on skype with uh…Flint. I was just checking my webcam settings."

"No, you weren't. I was just talking to him in the commons."

"What?"

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck. Shit._

"Yeah, I just ran past some of my audition ideas past him and he seemed really interested in them, to be honest…It was kind of weird…"

"I thought it was a 'secret'?" Jeff teased, moving his laptop to the bed, ready for the movie session and also distracting Nick from the webcam talk.

"Maybe I'm keeping a secret for a reason. Did you ever think of that?" Nick stuck his tongue out, jumping on Jeff's bed impatiently.

"Stop it! You're going to step on my laptop!" Jeff whined protectively, clutching the computer to his chest.

"Oh, Jeffy! Live a little! Calm down."

"Don't call me that."

"Why not, Jeffy?"

"Oh my god, Nick, I'm not five."

"What's got you in this mood, Mr. Gumpy-Gills?"

"Stop stealing lines from Finding Nemo."

"Then stop being such a downer!"

"I'm not."

"Are too."

"Ugh! Just sit down."

_Stop stalling…Just sit your pretty ass down so I can stop staring at it._

"Fine. What are we watching?" Nick was fairly jumpy which frustrated Jeff to no end.  _What was he hiding? Did Flint say anything? What were his audition ideas?_  He wanted answers.

"Umm…Well, what do you feel like?"

"I'd say musicals but David got mad at me for singing too loudly last time…"

"I liked your singing."  _I'd like you to sing to me next time._

"Thanks Jeffy!" Nick smiled shyly. He was still self-conscious about his voice. He knew he could sing and didn't sound half bad but it was still a fear of his to never be good enough.

"Who cares if David gets mad. I'll stick up for you. I want you to sing."

"Why?"

"I don't know…just because I like it?"

"Seriously, are you okay? You seem jittery, I don't know."

"I'm good, Nick. Don't worry."

"Okay…just…Jeff, if something's up, you know you can tell me."

_Haha. No, I can't._

"Yeah, I know."

"Alright so, I was thinking we could go classy with Rent or Moulin Rouge or umm…Hairspray? Or oh! Can we watch Spring Awakening? I haven't seen that in forever!" Nick sighed, flopping down on Jeff's mattress.

_Spring Awakening. Out of all the musicals and you have to pick that one. I just took care of my problem. Now you're going to cause another one. Good thing I have lots of pillows handy._

"Sure…Any special reason you want to watch it?" Jeff questioned, hoping for a hint or two.

"I just love it. I was tempted to sing…Nevermind…" Nick's voice faded out, his cheeks flushed with colour.

"No! Tell me!" Jeff pushed smirking with anticipation.

"Don't laugh, okay." Nick bit his lip nervously, his gaze leaving Jeff's brown eyes and onto the floor.

"Why would I ever laugh at you?"

Nick smiled in appreciation before continuing "I was going to audition with The Word of Your Body…"

_Fuck this. Abort mission. Rewind. Did that really just happen? WTF. This is some sick joke, right? Flint must have said something to him. Oh god. Oh god. Oh…_

"Why did you change your mind?" Jeff questioned, furrowing his eyebrows, holding back his internal emotions of approval.

"Well, I thought of a better song." Nick confessed.

"I still want to hear your sing that one. Can you practice now?" Jeff asked, hoping for the best.

"Uh; I guess so. I do want an honest opinion and who better to tell me it but you." Nick smiled shyly.

"Truth; okay, now, get on with it, Nick. Wait, wait! The original or—" Jeff swallowed, imagining the possibilities of Nick singing the male version, singing such an arousing song to him and only him.

"The reprise…with Ernest and Hanschen. Oh, umm, could you sing Ernest's part for now then?"

_Why did I suggest this? Oh god. This is not happening. Are we really doing this? This is the most sexual song in the play and we're singing the version with the gay guys…That's got to mean something, right? Is Nick…No…Don't get your hopes up, remember…_

"Sure thing, I can't leave you handing during a duet, can I?"

"Awesome. Okay, give me a sec." Nick hopped off Jeff's bed to grab the karaoke version off his ipod.

_Dat ass. Jesus Christ, Nick. Only you could make these tacky trousers look good. How long does it take to get your ipod out of your bag? Your ass is just begging for me to—_

"Found it!" Nick beamed at Jeff and proceeded to plug his ipod into the dock and start the version.

HANSCHEN/NICK  
Come, cream away the bliss  
Travel the world within my lips  
Fondle the pearl of your distant dreams  
Haven't you heard the word of your body?

O, you're gonna be wounded  
O, you're gonna be my wound  
O, you're gonna bruise too  
O, I'm gonna be your bruise

ERNST (Spoken)/JEFF  
Oh God…

HANSCHEN (Spoken)/NICK  
I know. When we look back, thirty years from now,  
Tonight will seem unbelievably beautiful

ERNST (Spoken)/JEFF  
And…in the meantime?

HANSCHEN (Spoken)/NICK  
Why not?

ERNST (Spoken)/JEFF  
On my way here this afternoon, I thought perhaps, we'd only talk

HANSCHEN (Spoken)/NICK  
So, are you sorry we…?

ERNST (Spoken)/JEFF  
Oh no. I love you Hanschen, as I have never loved anyone.

HANSCHEN (Spoken)/NICK  
And so you should.

ERNST/JEFF  
O, I'm gonna be wounded  
O, I'm gonna be your wound

BOTH  
O, I'm gonna bruise you  
O, you're gonna be my bruise

ALL  
O, you're gonna be wounded  
O, I'm gonna be your wound  
O, you're gonna bruise too  
O, I'm gonna be your bruise

_Torture. Torture. This is worse than S &M! Although S&M with Nick would be hot. Oh…Oh my god…He…just…oh…_

Nick's fingertips trailed down Jeff's cheek, taunting at the porcelain skin, breathing out the last few lines into Jeff's ear teasing the poor boy into submission. Jeff had to grasp Nick's shoulder for balance in fear his arousal would take over. Nick smirked leaning into Jeff's face, his breath hot against Jeff's lips, grinning as Jeff closed his eyes ready for the moment he'd been waiting so long for, only to be denied access, hearing Nick laugh. Nick had removed his grasp from Jeff and clutched his chest, laughing heartedly at the display much to Jeff's dislike.

"That was great! You played right into it too! Thanks Jeffy! I really missed acting! You definitely brought that back out! I don't think Wes would have approved of that performance though; that's why I changed my mind on the song choice."

_What. The. Fuck. Acting? You call that acting! You son of a bitch!_

"What? Hahaha, good one Nick; you really took my breath away with that one." Jeff smiled, hoping Nick wouldn't hear the strain in his voice. It really hurt him to see Nick laugh in his face; to think everything was an act. He thought Nick meant to sing to him, that he was hinting hidden feelings towards Jeff through Hanschen's words and to know that was all fake, pained him internally. He didn't want to have this movie night anymore. He'd lost his appetite for pizza. He might have lost his feelings for Nick as well. Was this whole friendship an act? Did Nick really mean anything in any of their honest confessions? Jeff suddenly felt so much better about hiding his past from Nick.

"So, yeah, now you see why I had to change my audition. That was fun though! Thanks for singing with me!" Nick beamed, pulling Jeff into a hug that was not reciprocated. Jeff felt numb. He felt betrayed. He felt conflicted.

"Yeah…No problem, man…" Jeff replied blankly, pulling away quickly and grabbing his laptop back.

"Oh! Pizza! I almost forgot!" Nick smiled, adjusting his seating position on the bed, nuzzling up to Jeff as usual.

"Can we just get a small or something? I'm not that hungry anymore." Jeff confessed, opening the pizza delivery tab and preparing to ready their order.

"Oh, Jeffy! Are you sure you're okay? Are you sick?" Nick frowned and placed his palm across Jeff's forehead to see if he could sense a fever.

"No, just get off. Don't worry about it." Jeff grumbled, shoving Nick's hand away and handing him the computer. "Here, you order whatever. I have to pee."

"Good to know. Jeff, what's wrong? I know you're not okay. Stop lying to me. I don't like it." Nick responded with concern, sliding off the bed to follow him.

"I'm fine! Just leave me alone, alright? I'm fine. Order your pizza, start your movie and I'll be back in a second." He barked back, before turning and locking himself in the bathroom.

"Jeff! Come out here and talk to me. What did I say to upset you? Just tell me what I did wrong." Nick knocked on the door rapidly, confused and concerned for his best friend.

"Nothing; you didn't do anything."  _Which is sort of true; you haven't done a damn thing about this. I've made it all up. Over exaggerated things and played out fantasies in my head. You never cared about me. I'm only your friend. That's all we'll ever be. You probably like some girl and I'm just hoping you're interested in me, which you're not. It's my entire fault. Just leave me alone to wallow in self-pity._

"Jeff, it shouldn't take this long to pee. I know you're upset, just talk to me."

_What's the use?_

"Jeff!"

_Go away._

"Jeff, get your ass out here." Nick groaned with frustration, head resting against the door.

Jeff caved and opened the door, Nick gasped as his head fell backwards and Jeff caught him quickly. "Sorry…I…I didn't know you were leaning against the door…"

"It's okay. I didn't crack my head on the tile; I'm fine…just like you, right?" Nick tilted his head, pursing his lips, knowing it would set Jeff off.

"Whatever. Just forget about it. Let's just watch the movie, okay?"

"Ignore it all you want, Jeff, but that doesn't mean the truth is going away."

"Yeah, tell me about it…" Jeff muttered under his breath letting his blonde hair fall in his eyes so he could avoid Nick's gaze.

_Stop looking at me like that. Stop making me sympathize with you. You don't care about me, why should I care about you? When will this torment end?_


	3. Conscious Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeff's thoughts get the better of him.

_Take your hands off me. You're purposefully teasing now. It was only acting, right? So why are you 'acting' now?_

It was normal for Nick and Jeff to curl up together during movie nights. Junk food sprawled across the bed, crumbs and popcorn kernels adorning Jeff's evergreen plaid sheets, but this time was different. Jeff was different. He was distant. Nick had his arm curled around the blonde's waist, his chest pressing against Jeff's side.

_What is this? Give me an explanation or I'm leaving._

Of course, Jeff wasn't willing to interrupt the connection between them; however, he was deeply concerned with the meaning behind Nick's actions. Sure, Nick didn't know how Jeff felt about him but he wasn't blind. He was well aware that Jeff was off. He stopped pressing the issue, in fear Jeff would snap and a fight would ensue. It was hard for Nick to keep quiet; Jeff had said he liked Nick's voice so it wasn't as if he was silent in embarrassment, more like…shame? He didn't know why but he felt guilty. Guilty for upsetting Jeff; guilty for ruining the mood; guilty for whatever he had done wrong, causing Jeff to ignore him.

"Uh, Jeff…Are you…Loook, I'm sorry for making things awkward…Can you just talk to me, please?"

_Great, now he's pleading with me. I'd rather you be begging me to suck your cock than this._

Jeff shrugged in response, brown eyes fixated on Melchior Gabor's speech, chanting the lines in his head. He was all too familiar with this musical. He had even fantasized about Dalton performing it and gender swapping the female roles. Could you imagine a male Wendla alongside Melchior? What if the roles were reversed? What if Jeff had sang Hanschen's part in Word of Your Body, being the one corrupting and confessing in a dominant role; not far from the truth. He wanted it oh too much. He wanted to use their dorm room as a safe haven and put that lock to use. He wanted to enjoy cuddling with Nick but it was too heartbreaking. So many hopes about being in similar positions physically but as boyfriends, not best friends…It hurt him to face the cold, bitter truth that Nick would never care for him the way Jeff did. How could he have been so clueless? So selfish? So…naïve? He should've searched for warning signs or given up before sinking this deep. He didn't know how to be himself without Nick and now he wasn't quite sure if he could be himself with Nick here.

_Too much effort._

"Jeff…please talk to me. I thought I was your best friend…because you're certainly mine and I hate knowing how upset you are without a reason why." Nick continued, following impulse as he took Jeff's face in his hands, forcing the blonde to look at him.

_What are you doing? Oh god. Are you going to kiss me? Please. Please Nick._

"You're not even listening to me! You won't take your eyes off the screen! Jeff, I want to help. I'm trying to apologize and you're acting like you don't give a damn!"

_Damn is right. Hot damn, Nick! You're even sexier when you're angry. Keep talking in that tone with me. Show me just how mad you are. Punish me._

"There you go again! Blocking out my words! I shouldn't even be telling you I'm sorry since I don't know what the fuck I even did! One minute you're fine and the next you've locked yourself in the bathroom like some five year old!"

_Yell at me some more. Don't stop, Nick. Not now. We're so close! So close to the root of the problem!_

Nick's eyes had grown darker as the rage within him empowered his cheery side. He glared at Jeff, still expecting an answer, only receiving silence.

"Fuck you!"

_You want to? Good. Come and fuck me, Nicky._

Nick dropped his hands from Jeff's face and slid off the bed. "I'm going out. Maybe you'll regain verbal consciousness by the time I come back."

_Out? Where? To talk to Flint? About us? Go do it. I dare you. Find out the big secret I'm hiding._

Xx

[Record] You know when you have verbal diarrhoea and can't seem to stop talking, no matter how offensive you get? Yeah, I was the polar opposite. Maybe I should've told him straight up, but I'm a coward. I'm a fucking coward whose loved my best friend for two years and can't admit it. It would solve so many problems…Maybe the reason I have all these fantasies is because I don't like reality. I don't like imagining the reality of life after telling Nick. I don't want to face that. Maybe I'm a hypocrite? I want the fucker but I'm too chicken to tell him. I don't even know where he is now…He just left…They always leave…Everyone you care about leaves at one point or another. They get tired of you, they find a replacement. They're disgraced by your presence and you get replaced. They forget about you and replace you so you never really existed. All you have left are memories. You reflect on those memories and become depressed because your life is so drastically different and you find a way to cope. Everyone had their own coping strategies: breakdowns, self harm, actually talking to someone about it, meds…I guess I have these vlogs. Funny thing is, they don't help as much as I hoped. I only regret not saying any of it to Nick. You should've seen his face…I know he wants to help. I know everyonesays they want to help but how can you tell if they're being truthful? Nick's always been genuine, maybe that's why it hurts so much to keep this from him? Why is it so hard to admit to someone that you love them? That should be a mandatory topic in class discussions. Real life 101; I'd take that class. I want answers…but then again, I don't…I guess I'm just really afraid of rejection. [Stop]

Jeff minimized his webcam tab, sighing as he returned to the paused musical. He wanted to talk to Nick. He wanted to be strong and tell him the real reason he'd been acting upset, but he couldn't. They had solo auditions in a day and there was only one way Jeff could think of to make it up to his roommate.

Xx

"I'm dropping out. I don't want to compete for the sectionals solo; I want Nick to have it."

"Are you sure about your decision Warbler Jeff?" Wes asked curiously, a bit taken back by the news as Jeff had came to David and Wes' room with this announcement.

"Yes. Nick deserves it and I don't even have a song picked out. There's only one more day before auditions and I don't want to waste the council's time. Pick Nick, please. Just don't tell him I forfeited. I'll tell him when the time is right." Jeff nodded, fully confident in his choice.

"You guys have such a tight bromance. I don't know how you keep it up so long. Wes and I would kill each other if we were as close as you two." David winked at his roommate then back to Jeff. "You're a really good friend to do this for him, Jeff. This would've been your seventh audition; you might have got in."

"I know, but it's for the best. Nick has a better voice than I do. He really wants this. It'll make his mum proud. Please guys, he needs it more than me."

"We understand your wishes. I'll speak to Thad in the morning. I appreciate you coming to talk to us, but David's right. You and Nick have such a close bond. You're doing him a great favour by forfeiting your chances. He's lucky to have a friend like you." Wes smiled encouragingly and both he and David brought the blonde into a group hug.

_If only you knew...He's not lucky to have me…He hates me...I love him...He doesn't even know how much…_

Xx

Nick had returned back to their dorm room in Jeff's absence. He had wracked his brain with possibilities of what he had done to upset his best friend. As selfish as it sounded, Nick couldn't find a specific thing blaming him. Maybe none of this was his fault? Maybe Jeff was simply internalizing a past crisis and snapped? Either way, the brunette really wanted to know. Nick sat on Jeff's bed, pulling the computer to his lap. There were a few tabs open: Youtube, iTunes, Microsoft Word, My Documents and Jeff's webcam. Sure, it was minimized but why was he making this a habit? It wasn't like Skype was open so he could use that as an excuse this time…What was he hiding? Curious as Nick was, he opened the tab, finding a video recently recorded. Perhaps Jeff was going to use it as a birthday video for one of the boys? It wouldn't hurt to look, right?

 


	4. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick auditions with a particular song.
> 
> Warning: Back in the day, I used Caps Lock for emphasis. I apologize if that is triggering/annoying to read.

'You know when you have verbal diarrhea and can't seem to stop talking, no matter how offensive you get? Yeah, I was the polar opposite. Maybe I should've told him straight up, but I'm a coward. I'm a fucking coward whose loved my best friend for two years and can't admit it. It would solve so many problems…Maybe the reason I have all these fantasies is because I don't like reality. I don't like imagining the reality of life after telling Nick. I don't want to face that. Maybe I'm a hypocrite? I want the fucker but I'm too chicken to tell him. I don't even know where he is now…He just left…They always leave…Everyone you care about leaves at one point or another… I only regret not saying any of it to Nick. You should've seen his face…I know he wants to help. I know everyone says they want to help but how can you tell if they're being truthful? Nick's always been genuine, maybe that's why it hurts so much to keep this from him? Why is it so hard to admit to someone that you love them?...'

_What? I…I don't even…What did I just watch? Jeff…Jeff likes me?..."loved my best friend for two years"…He's in love with me?_

Nick tried to wrap his mind around the video confession he'd just watched. Of course, everything made sense now but he still was unsure how to react. Should he confront Jeff about this or keep his mouth shut? Just as he came to a decision, Jeff walked through the door.

"See you're back."

"See you're talking again." Nick piped up, eyes meeting Jeff's.

"Why do you have my laptop?" Jeff asked as his voice broke in fear.

"I…I was just watching the rest of Spring Awakening…" Nick lied, not ready to talk to Jeff just yet.

"Oh…"

"Yeah…"

"So, where'd you go?" Jeff questioned, eager to know the reply.

"Does it matter?" Nick snapped rather harshly.

"Sort of…Nick, I…I'm sorry about earlier."

"Whatever. Clearly, you don't want to tell me what's on your mind so why should I tell you where I went?"

"You don't have to…I just…Nick…"

"Just spit it out, Jeff."

"Spit what out?"

"The truth."

"No."

"Why the fuck not? I'm your best friend! Why can't you trust me?"

"Because."

"Because what?"

"Just drop it, Nick!"

"…Fine." Nick shoved Jeff's laptop to the side and walked to the entrance of their dorm, shut off the light, took his ipod in his fist and got under the covers. "I'm going to sleep. See you in the morning for auditions." And with that, Nick placed his headphones in his ears and escaped to a reverie.

"Goodnight…" Jeff whispered to the boy across from him, whose face was directed towards the wall. Nick was now the one ignoring Jeff and damn, did the pain sting.

_He knows something. He must. Maybe he found out how I—no. Flint wouldn't do that to me…would he?_

Jeff shut off his laptop and changed into pyjamas before curling up under his covers. How he wished he could talk this over with Nick or make another vlog. As much as he wanted to, that wasn't an option, not with Nick in the room. He couldn't risk it, could he?

[Record] You know how they say if something's not broke, don't fix it? Or whatever that saying is…Well, what do you do if you do break that thing that worked so well? How do you fix it without changing what it was in the first place? What if something prevents it from fixing? What if you've lost a piece somewhere and don't know how to get it back? How can you fully restore what you once had?...Nick mentioned auditions tomorrow…but what he doesn't know is that I won't be there. Well, I'll be there but I'll be sitting with the rest of the Warblers, the ones who aren't auditioning. I forfeited for Nick. He has his headphones in so I hope to God he's not hearing any of this…I just peeked and I think he's asleep. Anyways, yeah…I talked to Wes and David and I think I've convinced them to choose Nick for the solo. I can't audition, I couldn't do it then and I can't now. I don't have anything prepared and when I wanted to pick a song it just never fit the situation. I wanted to sing to Nick, to tell him how I felt through song lyrics but…how do you find a song that sums up two years worth of emotion? You don't, unless you write it yourself. I honestly don't know what to expect tomorrow. I don't even know where Nick went tonight. He won't tell me. I really fucked things up and I don't know how to make them right again. Any suggestions? No, I'm talking to myself so I can't give myself such advice. I just don't know what to do anymore…[Stop]

Xx

Jeff and Nick avoided each other all morning. Jeff left early for breakfast and Nick went to rehearse. Each boy narrowly missed the other but Jeff was secretly thankful, hoping that this way, Nick wouldn't find out about his decisions until auditions this afternoon. Wes and David met him in the council room to discuss his choice of bowing out of auditions with Thad. He'd gained the council's approval and had accepted his fate. Entering the common room, Flint approached him with a grin that was merely returned with a shy smile lasting a few seconds. Flint's eyes changed from a gleaming blue to a more solemn look of faded grey. Something was up, that was obvious.

"Jeff…What's wrong, man?"

"Did you talk to Nick?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Did. You. Talk. To. Him?" Jeff enunciated with slight anger in his voice.

"No! Jeff, I promised you I wouldn't say a thing. What happened? You didn't fuck him and make things awkward did you?" Flint asked, eyes widening with worry.

"NO! Just…no…nothing like that." Jeff regained composure and Flint led him aside to an empty table.

"Do you want a coffee or anything? Auditions don't start for a few minutes, if you don't mind skipping out on a bit of last minute practicing then-"

"I'm not auditioning." Jeff stated quietly, looking up at Flint through his eyelashes as he took a seat at the table.

"What? But, Jeff….this is a golden opportunity to tell Nick how you feel and—"

"Don't you think I know that? I wanted to, Flint…I wanted to tell him. I wanted to pick I really good song and make him realize how I feel but I couldn't do it. I couldn't find the right song and I didn't want to take the chance…I messed everything up already and couldn't put either of us through further pressure…" Jeff interrupted, watching as Flint took the seat across from him, abandoning the previous thought of chatting over coffee.

"Wait, hold up. What did you do exactly? Stop leading me on, Jeff. This sounds pretty serious, just talk about what happened, okay? Maybe I can help?" Flint encouraged.

"You can't. I fucked up."

"Jeff. Stop the self-pitying and tell me what the hell you did."

"I didn't do anything! That's the problem! I just sat there and didn't say a damn thing and he got so pissed and left. I don't even know where he went and now he's acting suspicious, as if something's happened but he doesn't want to tell me." Jeff sighed, burying his face in his crossed arms on the table.

Flint took a moment to process the boy's ramblings. "Okay, so he's mad that you didn't talk to him. That's not the end of the world, Jeff. Just tell him the truth…I know you don't want to, but you've held it in for two years. Don't you want to know how he really feels instead of just guessing what he thinks?"

"He won't like me back, Flint. He's not even gay."

"You don't know that."

"And you do? Flint, Nick's been the vaguest out of all of us. No one knows who he likes."

"Why should it matter? Maybe he just likes people for who they are, not their gender? You need to stop worrying, Jeff. Stop overreacting and just talk to the damn boy. He's your best friend for Christ's sakes!" Flint replied slightly impatient.

"…I can't lose him, Flint. I just can't…" Jeff sighed, peeking out at Flint from beneath blonde locks.

"If you keep this up, that's exactly what you're going to do. So, smarten up and grow some balls. Go in there and talk to him!"

"He's practicing for his audition! I can't throw him off five minutes before he performs for everyone!"

"Stop making excuses!"

"I'll tell him after."

"And by after, you mean never…Jeff, stop delaying this. You love Nick, right? Tell him. Stop brooding about it and confess the truth. That's all Nick seems to want from what little information I know."

Xx

_Where was he?_  Jeff had avoided him all morning and Nick was starting to lose his patience, not to mention focus on the task at hand. He'd practiced his new song non-stop today to try and perfect it, not to impress the council, but to reach out to Jeff instead. Ever since watching the vlog, Nick had tried to understand Jeff's feelings and couldn't help but feel a tad guilty for putting this unknown pressure on his best friend. However, in Jeff's absence, he was starting to wonder what else he might have done wrong. It was an odd feeling for him, choosing this particular song but he just had to change his mind; it was so perfect for their situation and he needed to let Jeff know he cared…maybe not in the exact same way, but he couldn't let his best friend suffer through this alone. Sure, Jeff hadn't completely admitted the truth to Nick, but it couldn't hurt to show his support, could it?

"Five minutes till curtain call, Warbler Nick." David smiled, peeking through the doorway at Nick, flashing him an encouraging smile before disappearing back to the council's table.

_Five minutes._

_Four…_

_Three…_

_Why isn't Jeff here yet? He couldn't have auditioned before me; he's scheduled after me, right? Where is he? Is he okay? Did he find out I saw his video? Shit. I'm running out of time…_  Nick had to force himself to stop over-thinking everything and plugged in his headphones, listening to the beginning melodies of his audition piece once more before David signalled his cue.

"Fellow Warblers, thank you for having me. I hope I don't muck this up too much…nerves backstage might have got to me a bit." Nick laughed nervously, eyeing through the sea of blazers, hoping to see Jeff. "This song is special to me, as is the person who inspired the choice…I'll uh, I'll get on with it then…Sorry…" Nick apologized to the council, swallowing hard, wondering where his best friend was and whether he'd even hear him sing.

As the instrumental began, Nick sighed, forcing a small smile, staring out at his peers, desperate to make a connection with— _Jeff! There you are. I…This is for you. I hope you know that._  Nick's forced smile quickly changed into a bright, warm one, directed right at the blonde warbler.

_Damnit, he saw me. Why is he smiling? Is he really smiling at me? And what the hell did he mean by person who inspired…No…Is this actually happening to me? Is Nick going to sing to me? No…What?_

Jeff swallowed, glancing at Flint who passed him an encouraging grin before turning back to Nick, watching as the boy's eyes gleamed once he started his solo, staring right at Jeff.

_This is not real. He's really doing this. Shit, what's he gonna do when he finds out I dropped out of auditions? Wait…why is he singing to me in the first place?_

Nick began singing, not taking his eyes off Jeff's. He knew he'd lose points with Warbler council for not using full advantage of eye contact with everyone but he didn't care. This was for Jeff and he wasn't going to sing it to anyone else but him.

_When the world gets too heavy_   
_Put it on my back_   
_I'll be your levy_   
_You are taking me apart_   
_Like bad glue_   
_On a get well card_

_It was always you_   
_Falling for me_   
_Now there's always time_   
_Calling for me_   
_I'm the light blinking at the end of the road_   
_Blink back to let me know_

_I'm a fly that's trapped_   
_In a web_   
_But I'm thinking that_   
_My spider's dead_   
_Oh, lonely, lonely little life_   
_I could kid myself_   
_Thinking that I'm fine_

_It was always you_   
_Falling for me_   
_Now there's always time_   
_Calling for me_   
_I'm the light blinking at the end of the road_   
_Blink back to let me know_

_That I'm skin and bone_   
_Just a cane and rusty throne_   
_Oh, the castle's under siege_   
_But the sign outside says "Leave me alone"_

_It was always you_   
_Falling for me_   
_Now there's always time_   
_Calling for me_   
_I'm the light blinking at the end of the road_   
_Blink back to let me know_   
_(It was always you)_   
_Blink back to let me know_   
_(It was always you)_

_Don't cry. Don't cry._ Jeff couldn't help but smile widely at the brunette who'd just somehow managed to sum up their relationship perfectly. Jeff could never thank him enough for this. Of course, it didn't help that Flint wouldn't stop nudging Jeff in the ribs throughout the performance; he was pretty sure it would bruise by tomorrow.

"Thank you." Nick replied quietly, bowing his head, closing his eyes, leaving the memory of Jeff's smiling face imprinted in his mind before turning around, nodding at the council and returning to the audition room.

_The easy part's over…Now you have to talk to him…You can do it. Just tell him the truth; he's the one with the big confession here. You can work it out. Stop worrying about Jeff…It's not healthy._ Nick shrugged off his thoughts and twiddled his thumbs waiting for the results. Oddly enough, Wes entered the room, only a mere six minutes after Nick, with an announcement.

"Congratulations, Warbler Nick; fourth time's a charm, my friend!" Wes beamed, breaking his council behaviour and pulling Nick into a hug.

"But, what about—"

"Get out there and celebrate your victory! I'll even whip out the gavel in praise for you!" Wes smirked before fleeing the room to retrieve said gavel.

_Jeff? Wasn't he supposed to audition? Why was he sitting in the crowd? What changed his mind…or…who?_ Nick wasn't quite sure what to think. He was pretty sure he was bang on to the reason Jeff didn't audition, he just wasn't quite ready to accept that answer just yet. Besides, Wes would return if he didn't play the victory card soon. Nick shuffled out of the room solemnly, painting a smile on his face as he entered the council room once more. He stood in front of the council's table, smiling softly at the applause he received, shifting his gaze from one side of the room to the other, everything in a bit of a blur. He wasn't unappreciative of his win, but something inside him didn't feel right about it all. What happened to Jeff? Nick sought out Jeff in the crowd, only to notice an empty space beside Flint where the blonde had once been sitting. _Now what?_

Xx

"Jeff! Where the hell were you?" The door flung open, as Nick barged into their dorm, his tie undone and blazer tossed on the floor.

_Shit._

"I…I just had to get out of ther—"

"I mean where were you this morning? For fucking auditions, Jeff? What the fuck happened to you? Do you know how worried I was? Why the hell did you not show up?" Nick demanded, storming to Jeff's desk, placing his hand on the back of Jeff's computer chair and spinning him around.

"I backed out…" Jeff replied in a whisper, eyes cast to the ground.

"I noticed that!" Nick spat back, fuming in frustration.

"Nick…I knew this was more important to you…"

"You think some solo is important to me? You've been the one hiding stuff for the past week at least and you think I'd get upset over some damn solo? I wouldn't have cared if you won, Jeff! What is wrong with you? Why are you so fucking scared to talk to me all the time?" Nick pressured, leaning into the boy's face.

"Don't do that to me."

"Do what?" Nick asked, confused.

"Lean in like that…Just…Don't lead me on anymore, Nick. I can't handle it." Jeff sighed, pushing Nick out of the way and getting out of the chair.

"Lead you on? Jeff, what are you talking about?" Nick furrowed his eyebrows, knowing this had something to do with the vlog but he didn't want to mention his eavesdropping just yet.

"Don't lie to me about this! I know you know; god damnit! Why the fuck would you sing that to me and make me feel like you care about me when it's all just some joke to you?" Jeff argued in retaliation.

"I do care about you!" Nick protested.

"NOT IN THAT WAY, YOU DON'T!" Jeff shouted back, backing Nick against his desk in anger.

"IN WHAT WAY, JEFF? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME YOURSELF INSTEAD OF RECORDING IT IN SOME FUCKING VIDEO?" Nick yelled at him, refusing to be the bad guy in this situation.

"You…"

"YES, I saw it. When did you plan on telling me that you're in love with me, Jeff? Huh? Two years, you said. You've loved me for two years and well, I gotta say I'm thankful you didn't tell the whole school your feelings at auditions—You know, maybe it's a good thing you forfeited? Saved me the embarrassment, that's for sure!"

"EMBARRASSMENT? You're saying the fact I love you is embarrassing? Fuck you, Nick! So much for caring about everyone's feelings, eh?" Jeff shook his head, holding back tears of shame as he shoved Nick into the desk, knocking some things off in the process before attempting to leave the room.

"DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME!" Nick shouted in reply.

"WHY NOT? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANT? ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE SINCE I'M THE ONE WHO'S AN EMBARRASSMENT?"

"FUCK JEFF, I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY! JUST, LISTEN TO ME—"

"NO! WHERE DO YOU GET OFF WATCHING MY PERSONAL VIDEOS AND USING IT AS AMUNITION AGAINST ME! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND AND YOU'RE WILLING TO DUMP ALL THAT NOW JUST BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU?" Jeff confessed, pretty sure of the answer.

"Jeff…"

"That's what I thought." The blonde shook his head, biting his lip and storming out of their dorm.

Nick followed him, not willing to give up the fight that easily. "WHY DID YOU QUIT AUDITIONS?"

"WHY DO YOU CARE?"

"GIVE ME AN ANSWER, JEFF!"

"WHY? BECAUSE WE'RE YELLING IN THE HALLWAY AND EVERYONE CAN HEAR NOW? DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL EVERYONE HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT; SOME KIND OF A PRIDE THING? WOW. YOU REALLY DEVELOPED A HUGE EGO IN THE PAST FEW DAYS, DIDN'T YOU?"

"JEFF, STOP BEING SO IMMATURE!"

"IMMATURE! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID I WAS AN EMBARRASSMENT TO YOU!"

"I DIDN'T MEAN THAT!"

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU NOT MEAN THAT? WHY DID YOU EVEN SAY IT THEN?"

"JEFF! Please, stop yelling at me…" Nick lowered his tone, sighing in frustration.

"Forget it." Jeff began to walk off but Nick stopped him again, grabbing his arm.

"Jeff…I just want to know things from your point of view. How the hell did you think I was supposed to act finding out you love me on some video, not face to face? Why were you so scared to tell me? I'd much rather have heard it from you than on a recording…" Nick replied honestly.

"Well, why are you so scared to tell me what team you play for?" Jeff retaliated, watching as the brunette's face paled.


	5. Conflicted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have to confront their feelings.

_He didn't just say that. Those words did not just come out of Jeff Sterling's mouth...Where the hell does he get off asking me that?_ Nick was flabbergasted at Jeff's comeback. He retaliated, taking a step back, eyes widening in horror, lips pursed in anger, watching as Jeff moved in closer towards him, not letting Nick flee the scene.

"Answer me." Jeff ordered, tired of being the victim of the argument. Did Nick not care about his feelings at all? He'd found out his two-year long secret via video and Nick didn't know just how hard it was to admit that out loud, yet Jeff was to blame for all this?

"You…I can't believe you." Nick shook his head, starting to glare at the blonde. "I can't believe you just asked me that…"

"Why not? Why can't I ask you? Wouldn't that fix things! Then at least I'd know whether it was worth it, loving you for two years or not! Why can't you give me an answer, Nick? Huh? Because it's true? Because maybe you're in denial of who you like? Just tell me!" Jeff continued to press the issue, his eyes watering with hot tears. He was tired. He was so damn tired. He needed this answer more than he could explain. If Nick said he was straight, it was going to kill him, but he needed to know. However, he couldn't help thinking, what was he going to do if Nick said yes? He'd wasted two whole years on this fantasy…he wasn't prepared to brace for the fall.

"Don't you dare accuse me of how I feel! You don't know anything!" Nick spat back out of defense. He wasn't ready for this.  _Why are you suddenly allowed to ask me these things! Stop it, Jeff!_ Jeff knew him the best out of everyone at Dalton. He'd been his best friend for years and they never worried about these kinds of things. Why did it matter? It didn't before…Why should it matter now?

"You're right, I don't know anything! That's the problem, Nick! You watched one video…ONE out of the few I've made, and it scared you. You're getting defensive because you're upset, frightened, but hey, maybe that's not all my fault? Maybe you're upset because you are in denial. You don't have to be scared of how you feel….I just…I just need to know, okay? Please. Just tell me so I can attempt to move on from you…Please, Nick…" Jeff started off strong, trying to remain confident in his speech but the more he looked at Nick's face, the more he felt everything crumble around him. Who was he kidding? Knowing how Nick felt might be the last straw he could take, but he couldn't help it. He had to know the answer. It was going to change them forever. He was probably going to lose his best friend by the end of all this and it was a reality he wasn't ready to face. Jeff couldn't stop the tears from falling. He felt like a loser, he'd cried in front of Nick before, but not like this. He was minutes away from a massive breakdown and he didn't want to be around Nick when it happened.

Nick knew what Jeff was getting at. Move on, meant move on from him as a whole, as a friend…move on completely. As much as he was upset by Jeff's confession of love, he didn't want to lose him as a best friend. He wasn't correctly sure how to respond. This wasn't a simple yes or no answer. Instead, Jeff was pushing for the honest to goodness truth. Nick never really considered his sexuality an issue before, but now… _He just keeps crying…Jeff…I'm sorry…_  Nick just wanted to pull his best friend into a hug and comfort him but things weren't that easy anymore.

Were they ever going to be easy after this?  _Probably not._

"Jeff…I…" Nick swallowed hard and let out the breath he'd been withholding, trying to prepare for his fate. He hated feeling pressured but Jeff was his best friend and he deserved an answer, even if Nick didn't know what that answer was just yet. "I don't know, okay? Honest, I don't know how I feel…I never have…I never thought it mattered before. I mean, labels and all that shit, it's not supposed to matter, right? So…well, I never knew…I never decided what to 'call' myself….I can sort of imagine how you're feeling. I mean, you're my best friend…it's not like I don't know you…but…well, it's a lot to take in. it's not the same, hey, I love you man…this is different. You know I love you, Jeff, but, to be honest, I can't say just yet that I love you back, in that way. This kinda came as a shock to me, so, please forgive me for not feeling the same…I…I've sort of just been myself, flirted with people, no matter what gender, because it felt fun, okay, fine, I guess…I never thought it mattered because I didn't define myself as straight or gay or bi and I thought that meant I was safe." Nick sighed deeply, taking Jeff's hand and sitting down on the bed with him, looking right at Jeff before continuing. "But I'm not safe. I've just been hiding and it's not fair to you. I'm sorry that you felt like I led you on. I'm sorry that you felt like you had to disguise your feelings for two years, Jeff…I'm so sorry I did that to you."

_You're sorry? Nick, please don't make this any harder than it already is. Don't apologize for being honest with me. I don't know if I can take that._

"Don't a-apologize, Nick." Jeff sniffled, suddenly feeling embarrassed that Nick was looking at him so intently after he'd been sobbing like an idiot. Jeff pulled his hand away from Nick's in order to wipe his tears away frantically. He felt his breath hitch and tried to regain a normal breathing pattern to prevent hiccupping sobs while he replied to Nick's confession. "I pressured you for a-an answer and t-that's not fair…It should be o-okay that y-you can just be, without choosing a s-side. There's nothing wrong with that…I s-shouldn't have asked…You should feel safe…I don't want to take that f-f-from you…" Jeff choked back tears, suddenly feeling a cold rush through his body. He couldn't pretend he wasn't upset, he just didn't know where he stood anymore with his best friend and that hurt.

_Do I take his hand back? What happens now? I think he moved away from me…Should I just leave? Fuck, why is this so hard?_

Nick felt conflicted, part of him wanted to make Jeff feel better and just tell him he could learn to love him in the same way, but the other part of him knew that was just a cop-out and probably not a good solution. How do you be best friends with someone again when you know they're in love with you and you don't feel the same? How do you maintain that friendship and avoid the awkwardness?

"Jeff…" Nick began, biting the inside of his cheek in worry. He licked his bottom lip, trying to gain the courage to ask the question he really needed to know the answer of. "…Why do you love me? …What made you fall in love with me?"

_What? Why did you ask me that? Why now? …I don't want to answer that…not now…What would it change? Why the hell do you wanna know anyways? I thought you didn't love me back…Why do you wanna know? …I don't understand you, Nick…_

"Do I have to answer that?" Jeff replied quietly, knowing if he mustered up the strength to list off the things he loved about Nick, it would just break him completely. What difference would it make? It wouldn't change anything between them; Nick said it himself, he didn't love him back in that way.

"Well…You don't have to, if you don't want to…I just…I was just curious…" Nick mumbled in response, feeling the silent awkwardness between them grow stronger. That was what he didn't want, but the more he tried to push the odd feeling of tension away, the more it engulfed the two boys.

Jeff sighed in defeat. As much as he hated to admit it, Nick deserved to know how he felt, how he really felt, instead of just basing all this off a video. Here was the chance to tell Nick what he'd been withholding for two years, why was he hesitating? "Nick…I've had two years to realize my feelings for you…You've only had what, a matter of hours to let this all sink in? …I don't know if you're ready to know the truth…It's like you said, it's not the same 'I love you' as we've said before, it's different…I don't know if you want to know the details…" Jeff looked down at the floor, shuffling his feet in procrastination, trying to avoid telling Nick the truth. … _Especially if you don't feel the same…_

"You're my best friend, Jeff. I want to know how you're feeling, even if you think I won't accept it. I can't let this change us; I know you think it will, but I can't afford to lose my best friend over this." Nick's voice finally broke. The thought of never being friends with Jeff again just pained him too much to think about. He hated that Jeff felt alone in this; he should be able to trust Nick; he knew Jeff felt ashamed by his confession but Nick didn't want him to withhold his emotions from him. That was never an option for them before, they always shared everything openly; Nick didn't want that to change now.

"Nick, I don't think you get it." Jeff let out a shaky sigh. "I've been in love with you for two years. You've thought it was just a friendship thing, but I always thought about you in a different way than just friends. A matter of minutes ago, you said I was an embarrassment…I don't know if you really want to know all the little things I love about you, because you'll just over-think them in your head, and act differently towards me, because you'll be paranoid that I'm checking you out or something!" He replied honestly, gazing up at Nick, brushing his bangs out of his eyes.

Nick paused, replaying Jeff's reply in his head. He was right, that would happen. Jeff just kept blurting out truthful lines that Nick couldn't help but choke back harshly. He didn't know what to say in response. It seemed as if Jeff didn't want to fix things between them; it seemed as if Jeff had already accepted his fate and how was Nick going to stand in his way?

"Jeff…Yes, it's awkward, but I'm your best friend…Can you at least  _try_  to explain all this to me? I know this started two years ago, but when exactly did it start for you? What made you li—love me?" Nick asked curiously.

Jeff sighed in response. Nick seemed like he honestly wanted to know and well, what was the point in hiding his feelings anymore? Nick already knew…sort of. "It just sort of all added up, I guess. You were—are this caring, humble person who'd been with me through everything. You are my best friend, Nick. You have been since elementary school. You've been there through all my shit days and good ones. You've been there to support me when other people weren't. you're actually really funny, even when you think your jokes such and well, you helped me when I came out in grade seven…You said it was okay and you'd never leave me, remember? I just…I thought about just how much I'd gone through with you and I'd start to get jealous when you'd talk about stupid crushes, even if they were just some celebrity. Then our movie night sleepovers and I just kept hoping that one day they'd be an actual date. It took so much willpower to stop myself from grabbing your hand when you reached for popcorn or I'd overanalyze whether you knew just how much I loved being like that with you…Or when you'd get too warm and would take off your shirt; I wondered if you'd catch me staring. I wondered if you would see through the fakery I'd put on about being too tired or fake being asleep just so I could cuddle with you. Not to mention Warbler practices! God, can you move those hips—fuck Nick! It's so hot. I don't know how you never caught me staring at your ass—Uh,…Nick?"

Jeff was all too wrapped up in thoughts of the brunette that he barely noticed how different and drastic his roommate's face had become. Nick's eyes were wide, he'd shifted farther from Jeff on the bed, his face flushed and Jeff could've sworn Nick's hands were shaking.

Nick didn't respond. He was still in shock, trying to process Jeff's words. How could he be so oblivious not to notice? It frightened him to know that Jeff not only loved him but had thought about his sexually. Of course, he should've picked up on that, most people think that way about people they like. Nick was all too familiar with inappropriate thoughts, problem was, he and Jeff were roommates…What if Jeff had…Nick shook his head, not wanting to picture those details. He finally turned his direction back to Jeff; the blonde was looking at him with concern, he seemed to be swallowing back responses but finally managed to speak.

"See? This is why I didn't want to tell you!" Jeff sighed in frustration, and embarrassment. "You're freaked out, just like I warned you, but no—let's go spout off what I love about you, Nick. Solves so many problems, doesn't it? I'm glad we had this chat." Jeff's voiced ached with sarcasm and Nick could only bow his head in shame.

"I…I'm—"

"Forget it. I'll go see if I can room with Flint tonight." Jeff replied, getting off the bed, beginning to pack some clothes into his backpack.

"You don't have to do that…" Nick responded weakly.

"Obviously, I do. Look at yourself, Nick! You're shaking for Christ's sake!"

"Jeff, I'm sorry….I'm just…I'm just not ready to do this…"

"Will you ever be?" Jeff sighed, already knowing the answer, but gazing at Nick longingly nevertheless. "Sorry for making this so awkward."

Nick smiled shyly, trying to calm Jeff down. "It's not your fault. We're still friends, right?"

"Sure…" Jeff answered, his voice hollow. He knew things would never be the same again, between the two boys. No matter if Nick didn't blame him, he knew this was all his fault. Jeff slung his backpack over his left shoulder, grabbed his dorm keys and walked out the door, not looking back at Nick. He ventured to Flint's dorm and knocked on the door. Flint had a single room, which was Jeff's only hope to avoid Nick tonight.

"Yeah! Yeah, I'm coming! Just a min—Jeff? Jeff…what happened?" Flint's tone went from annoyance that someone was at his door to worry and concern.

"Can I stay here tonight…please?" Jeff asked quietly, not wanting to breakdown just yet.

"Course you can. Come on in…It's Nick. I thought you guys would be fine, I mean, he sang to you in auditions." Flint frowned, leading Jeff inside.

"Exactly! He sang to me, Flint! It wasn't just me imagining it! I…Do you know what he asked me when he came back to our room?" Jeff threw his bag on the floor and sat on Flint's desk chair.

"What?" Flint pushed, knowing Jeff was building up for a breakdown but he did want to know what was going on between the two best friends.

"He fucking asked me why! Why did I love him! You don't fucking ask that unless you DO want the answer! So I fucking tell him, like the idiot I am, I start telling him why I love him and he looked so damn terrified, Flint! My best friend was scared of me…Nick…" Jeff started to fade out, feeling physically ill and he eyes welled up.

"Hey…Come here…I'm sorry, Jeff. He shouldn't have pressured you like that." Flint pulled the blonde into a hug.

"But…I…I s-should've…I…It's my f-fault he…"

"Shh…Breathe, kid. I don't know what you're saying; it's all rushed mumbling amidst sobs. Try and calm down a bit." Flint replied sympathetically.

"I c-can't…" Jeff's breath hitched as his grasp on Flint tightened.

"You can sleep in my bed if you want…Sleep it off until you wanna talk?" Flint suggested.

"B-But that's awkward f-for y-you." Jeff let the brunette go.

"I'll just watch a movie or something. It's okay, man." Flint smiled encouragingly, offering Jeff the second empty bed.

"Thanks…Flint…I don't k-know what t-to do n-n-now…"

"We can figure that out later. I don't want you to work yourself up. You don't look good right now, to be honest. So, maybe some sleep would help?"

"Maybe…S-Sorry for crashing…" Jeff mumbled, grabbing pj's out of his bag.

"I'm a gossip whore either way. I'd rather find out from the direct source itself." Flint teased, hoping Jeff might crack a smile.

"Of course, I should've known you w-were just using me." Jeff played along, mainly for Flint's benefit.

Xx

Nick couldn't sleep; knowing that he'd make Jeff uncomfortable in his own room, really pained him. He knew it was partially both their fault for this fallout. Nick couldn't help but remember everything Jeff had told him; he tried to understand where Jeff was coming from. He tried to put himself in Jeff's shoes. What if he was in love with Jeff for two years? How would things be different? They had been best friends for years, but Nick couldn't help but feel bitter over Jeff's confession. Why couldn't they just stay friends and not complicate everything? Why couldn't Jeff like someone else? Why couldn't things be normal again? But they were never normal, Jeff had always loved Nick. It bothered him to know just how many things Jeff could list off about him. If Nick could've kept his emotions intact, Jeff probably would've gone on for hours. It made Nick unnerved, know they were roommates scared him more. He couldn't risk it. He couldn't put on a front in his own room towards Jeff and pretend he was okay with this. He needed to do something about it. Nick felt like a hypocrite. One part of him didn't want to lose Jeff as his best friend but at the same time, he didn't want to always feel on edge in their room. They changed, showered in the same room and Nick knew he wouldn't be able to block the image of Jeff's reactions out of his head if he was ever shirtless, etc.

A knock at the door paused his thoughts. Nick got out from under the covers and answered the door, assuming it was Jeff.

"Flint kicked you out?" He questioned, opening the door.

"I need to talk to you."

"Flint? I…Why? What happened to Jeff?" Nick replied, caught offguard.

"Are you gonna let in, do I have to push you out of the doorway?" Flint continued.

"I…uh…" Nick moved to the side, watching as Flint brushed past him.

"Why did you sing that solo to him? Why did you force him to say why he loved you? Why are you leading him on, Nick? What are you getting out of it? Do you like seeing him squirm or something? He's your best friend and he's really fucked up over this!" Flint interrogated the brunette, much to Nick's confusion.

Flint was very headstrong and forceful towards Nick. Nick couldn't help but stand there mouth open in shock. He didn't know Flint's role to play in Jeff's confession but it was obvious Flint had sided with Jeff.

"I'm sorry I didn't want to hurt him…I don't why I asked…I just wanted to know why…"

"Why though? Are you hoping he can tell you what orientation you are? Because you're the only one who can tell you that, Nick. Besides, if you 'turned' gay for Jeff, it would only be a matter of time before you blame him for that! I don't understand you, either. Why don't you just sort yourself out and leave Jeff alone until you know who the fuck you are, okay? I don't want to have to pick up the pieces of YOUR best friend every time  _you_  hurt him, but I will, because that's what an actual friend does. You know Jeff better than all of us; you knew he'd be upset by this. Why do you insist on pressing the issue if you don't care about him?"

Nick swallowed hard, Flint was hitting all the right pressure points and it just made him feel guiltier. "I do care about Jeff."

"You sure as hell don't act like it. If you cared about him why did you let him leave your room? If you cared about him why didn't you come check on him in my room, or text him? What is your problem, Nick? No wonder Jeff's fed up with you."

"Is he okay?"

"Were you even listening to me? I think he's finally asleep now, but he's a mess, Nick. You're really fucked with his head."

"Sorry…"

"Tell Jeff that! Better yet, tell him the truth. Let him down gently, or let him go. He wasted two years loving you and you withholding answers from him only makes this harder! Do you want to be with Jeff or not?"

"I—"

"No! Tell Jeff, not me. He'd want to hear it from you. You're not getting off that easy, Duval. I'm not being your messenger. If you want him or don't want him, whatever your choice is, YOU need to be the one who tells him."

Xx

After Flint left him last night, Nick had worse trouble sleeping. He honestly had no clue what to tell Jeff. He wasn't even sure he could get his best friend back now. How could they even be friends now since there would always be another meaning to their relationship in Jeff's eyes? Nick thought back on his audition. He was adamant, at the time, that he wanted to be there for Jeff, to support him, just like he always did. However, things were different now. He didn't feel the same way he did when he sang it. It _was_  always Jeff falling for Nick, and he thought by asking why, Nick could find the answer to fill in the blank confusion inside. ' _Blink back to let me know'_  now seemed like it was from Jeff's point of view. Nick didn't know who he was and that seemed to be the question everyone was asking him. Was it so bad not to know the answer? Apparently…How are you even supposed to know what gender you like if you've never had strong feelings for someone? Sure, he'd flirted with people before, but Nick had never been in a real, intense relationship. Maybe he felt like he wasn't meant to be in a relationship? He wasn't sure exactly, but how would it be fair to Jeff to give an answer he didn't know yet?

[One week later]

"Uh…hi…"

"…Hi"

"How are you?"

"Does it really matter? I'm late for bio, Jeff…"

"Oh, yeah…Sorry, see you later…"

"Sure…"

The awkwardness between Nick and Jeff continued for weeks later. Jeff had moved into Flint's dorm so now Nick was rooming alone. To say he was lonely and miserable was an understatement. It hurt not having Jeff in his life. The pair had been inseparable for years, except now. They would occasionally run into each other in the hall but Nick tried his best to shove Jeff away. He didn't have a grasp on his emotions and didn't want to let Jeff in. He had taken Flint's advice to heart. If he ended up talking to Jeff and trying to sympathize, he would be swayed and biased to make it work between them. Nick needed to know for himself, but the guilt was piling up. He couldn't take it any longer. He hated being at Dalton, seeing Jeff, without mustering up the nerve to talk to him. He hated seeing Jeff's photos still up on his side of the room, knowing he wasn't just coming in late; he wasn't even Nick's roommate anymore. He hated himself for not being more courageous and brave to find out for himself just who he was, what he wanted. The only form of escape he could think of was to leave…leave Dalton…leave everything behind and move on, grow up and find himself.


	6. Facing the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter: Decisions are made.

"You guyyys, I'm fiinee, I've only had a few!" Jeff complained, looking around, his vision quite fuzzy, at the warbler boys who were all raising from their seats in the bar.

"Jeff, you're smashed. Come on let's bring you back to Dalton, yeah?" David encouraged with a small smile, trying to sway Jeff's opinion.

"I have to pee firstttt." Jeff announced, quite loudly.

"And we needed to know that, because?" Wes shook his head in disturbance.

"You can join me if you wannnnaa?" Jeff grinned at Wes before Flint tugged him off to the general direction of the washroom.

"HEY! I wasn't talking done yet!" Jeff began slurring his words as he stumbled after Flint.

"You're not able to form complete sentences either. Come on, Jeffers, I think you've had enough." Flint warned, as he let the grip on the blonde's arm go.

Jeff scoffed and slipped inside the nearest stall, not letting that stop him from rambling. "You told meee to go out and for-get him…Ooh, I have hic-cups now!" Jeff exclaimed with glee, much to Flint's disappointment.

The brunette adjusted his hair in the mirror as he waited for Jeff. "I take full credit for that, but I think we'd better get you home before—"

"Before whaa-attt Fliint? Are you worr-ried about lil' ol' m-mee?" Jeff smirked, flinging the stall door open and zipping up his pants. "Help?" He sighed, struggling with the zipper.

Flint smirked to himself at Jeff's expense and helped the blonde. "See, this is why we think you should go home while you're ahead. If you can't even zip up your fly, what other worse predicaments could you get into?"

"Youuu don'tt t-rust meee!" Jeff pouted, seating himself down quickly on the floor, cross-legged.

"Jeff, get up off the floor."

"No!"

Flint rolled his eyes and held out his hand for Jeff to grab, but the other boy refused. "I wannaa staaaayy he-ere."

"You can't. Trent drove us, remember? How else are you going to get home?"

"I ha-ave wayyys." Jeff winked and Flint groaned in reply.

"No, Jeff. Come on, please co-operate with me, okay?"

"I don't wannnaa. Whe-re's my ph-ph-"

"Phone?"

"YEAH!"

"Ugh, Jeff, don't yell, okay? Now, stand up and I'll help you find your phone." Flint advised, silently cursing the blonde's drunken state whilst holding out his hand for Jeff to grab.

Unfortunately Jeff was not in the mood for cooperating and refused Flint's help, forcing his own body up off the ground and fleeing the scene, smirking as he heard a groan of annoyance echo through the washroom. Luckily Trent had overheard the boys' little kafuffle in the restroom and stopped the blonde in his tracks, placing firm hands on his shoulders.

"Jeff, grow up, please. I know you're wasted-and that's our faults, but stop acting like a child. You wanted to get over Nick, yeah? Well this is a real mature way of accomplishing that." Trent raised an eyebrow, his voice thick with sarcasm.

Jeff pouted and shoved Trent's hands off his shoulders. "Why does iiittt mat-ter? Nick doesn't give a FUCK about m-me! Or how III'mm doing? Why should I behave p-properly if he's not ev-en going to notice? Fuck this! Fuck all of it! Get o-out of my wa-ay, Trent!" Stomping off, feeling those familiar hot tears well up in his eyes that had appeared every single night after Nick had dropped out of Dalton, leaving Jeff alone in his dorm with an empty bed beside him.

He didn't want the rest of the boys to see him this vulnerable. He'd rather make a fool of himself being a complete drunk than this. Why did Nick have to leave? Why couldn't they work this out? Why couldn't they go back to being friends? Why did he have to change his phone number and ignore Jeff's messages through the little forms of contact info he had available to him? The most important figure in Jeff's life had just dropped off the face of the planet and refused to rekindle their friendship and that stung more than anything.

Xx

"Duval! You coming or not?"

"Yeah, I'll be right there! Give me a minute!"

Nick's life had changed drastically once he'd switched schools. He was now enrolled in Brighton Hall, a boarding school on the outskirts of Westerville. He didn't have the heart to leave Westerville behind. As much as he wanted to leave Dalton, he couldn't abandon it completely. He had adored the friends he'd made and the whole experience of being at Dalton. It was one of the best parts of his life and wasn't easy to erase from his life. He was still tied to it, probably because of that one blonde haired, brown eyed best friend he couldn't forget.

Brighton had its perks, but couldn't compare to the homey feeling he'd felt at Dalton. Nick had made a good group of friends despite being a newbie at the school, but they weren't the same. Of course, it was his choice to leave so the only person he had to blame was himself. However, he needed this. He needed to get away and discover who he was for real and not feel obligated to be someone he couldn't identify with. Nick was going to be late for soccer practice if he didn't get his ass in gear. He was on track, packing his shin guards and cleats in his bag and was about to head out the door but got interrupted by a ping on his blackberry.

_Facebook: 1 Message – Flint Wilson 'Nick, I know the communication between us all has been sparse, if any, since you left. The boys and I know you need time, but we're having a reunion before the Warblers head off to Regionals this weekend, and we could use some extra encouragement. If you feel up to it, come on by Friday night after 9pm. We're breaking the rules and having our own party up in David and Wes' room. Thad's clueless about it all, so if anything, come to laugh at his reaction. BYOB and whatever else you feel like. See you then? Hope you're doing well, bro. Honest…We miss ya.'_

Nick hadn't contacted any of the boys back at Dalton for months since he'd transferred and only used his Facebook for school purposes. He'd ignored all the messages from Jeff and made sure to change his phone number the day he'd left Dalton for that main reason. He needed to leave him behind. He didn't want that reminder haunting him and his actions at Brighton. He'd needed to find himself and had been successful in that department, thankfully.

Being on an all-boys soccer team certainly had given him confirmation of his sexuality. He now understood what Jeff had meant about checking him out, as Nick was quite guilty of catching sneak peeks of Danny Melkin's ass while he had neglected to close the curtain while showering after practice one week. However, Brighton wasn't an all-boys school, like Dalton. The female population was on campus as well, but had their own secluded area of dorms, segregated from the boys. A few girls had hit on Nick when he'd first arrived. Hanna Schotman had made it quite obvious at her taste in tall, dark and handsome men when he'd moved into his dorm, and had even offered him a personal tour of the girls' dorms, advising him to come by after-hours, which he'd politely declined as to not wanting to get expelled within his first week.

Nick shared a room with Bryn Xavier, a ginger-haired boy who was on the varsity rugby team and had been happy to help Nick get his athletic skills perfected in order to make the Senior boys soccer cut within the first month of his arrival. Bryn was a great source of self-esteem, he was incredibly optimistic and hardworking, his only downfall being his inability to withhold secrets when drunk. The first night the boys on Nick's floor had partied together, Nick had stupidly enough accepted multiple straight vodka shots from Greg, the mischievous one of the floor who was an expert at sneaking in illegal substances for parties. The boys had a trust bond between the eight of them to not rat each other out if anyone was to get caught for breaking the rules and regulations of proper behaviour. Meanwhile, after one too many vodka shots, Nick had confided in Bryn his reasons for leaving Dalton, the whole ordeal about Jeff's confession and his own insecurities and confusion over his sexuality, all forcing him to transfer schools and define himself. Later in the month, after the rugby team had beaten their rivals for the first time in a year, Bryn had dragged Nick along to the bash at the captain's house and the secret had been unveiled to the crew Nick had become friends with during a game of kings. Luckily, his group of friends were supportive, even in their drunken state, and accepted Nick's dilemma. They had all been insanely helpful at assisting him to making the best out of the remainder of the year at Brighton and Nick was incredibly grateful for that.

He had defined himself as pansexual, been bumped up to center forward on the Senior boys soccer team and had a good gaggle of friends supporting him along the way. His grades were surprisingly on par with the average of everyone else, despite his late arrival at Brighton. Overall, he'd enjoyed his months at Brighton but still had an aching for the life he'd left behind at Dalton. This message from Flint was the hand he needed to pull him back to life. The life he'd wanted to return to after he'd sorted himself out. Jeff deserved an answer. The boys deserved a supportive friend to cheer them on before their performance. And Nick deserved to have both lives. He had no rivals with Dalton even though he was at another school and didn't want to feel like he had to abandon one life for another.

_Reply to: Flint Wilson "Hey, man! Thanks for your message, I really needed it. I miss you guys too. I bet you'll kill it at Regionals! I'd love to watch you rock the socks off those judges! Would you mind if I bring some friends along with me? You need your own cheerleaders, right? We can't let you perform to an audience without having your own cheer section! See you Friday! – Nick"_

Xx

"Jeff?"

The voice he hadn't heard in months had finally spoken his name, called him out of the crowd, wanted to talk to him individually for the first time in so long. Jeff became weak in the knees, worried he was just imagining things. The boys had warned him Nick might make an appearance to their pre-Regionals party, but he never expected him to actually show up, let alone acknowledge Jeff's presence.

Slowly gaining enough courage, Jeff turned on his heels to face the one boy he could never stop loving even after all this time, even after everything they'd been through, even after the distance separated them for months, he couldn't forget how he felt for Nick Duval.

"Nick."

Before Jeff could hear a response from the brunette, he felt strong arms embracing him tightly, almost to the point of losing circulation. Nick was hugging him and Jeff felt it was safe to hug him back.

"God, I've missed you." Nick whispered in his ear softly and continued hugging the crap out of his best friend. "I am so sorry I left the way I did, but I had to, Jeff. I'm sorry. I had to figure myself out. I hope you can forgive me…"

"Forgive YOU?" Jeff asked dumbfounded. "It should be me asking you to forgive me! I pressured you, Nick. I'm sorry for making you confront problems you didn't need to face—"

"But I DID need to face them, Jeff. I needed to know who I was-am. I know that now. I've had time to know for myself who I am and will continue to be. I can proudly say I'm pansexual and have no hesitation about it. I like it at Brighton, but I miss you guys. I miss my best friend. I don't know what my plans are for next year as for where I'll go to college, but I don't really care just yet. I wanted to come back here and apologize and catch up with you…If you'll let me, I mean…I'd understand if you hate my guts considering I pretty much ignored you ever since I left and-"

"Nick, I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you know who you are and you're content in your own skin. That's really all I could want for you. You didn't have to come back for me, but I appreciate it. I don't want you to feel obligated to tell me everything I've missed, you don't need me—"

"Jeff, I'll always need you. You're my best friend, at least you are in my eyes. I can't lose you again. I did come back for you. I didn't come back just to rekindle our friendship, though…I actually…I…I came back to ask you something…" Nick quieted his tone, swallowing hard, cursing how nervous he was. Why couldn't he get the words out properly without stammering? He'd rehearsed this speech with Bryn on the ride over. Why was he mucking it up when it was most important? _Damn it, Nick, pull it together!_

Words failing him, Nick pulled back from his embrace with Jeff and cupped the blonde's face in his hands and closed his eyes, capturing Jeff's lips in his. His fingers wound their way to the crown of Jeff's hair and mused through his blonde locks gently as he felt Jeff kiss him back. Their pale pink lips rhythmically in time with one another, pouring out months of emotions-two years of emotion on Jeff's part-into a kiss. Hearing a cat call from some of the lads, Nick pulled away blushing and stared in anticipation at a wide-eyed, stunned Jeff.

"Sorry, I…I couldn't say it properly so I just thought I'd kiss you instead…Hope that was alright…I…I wanted to ask whether you were in favour of long distance relationships…You know, you and me…uh, giving this a try, for real…us, as a couple, like uh, dating…Can I date you-No, I mean, can you-Jeff, will you be my boyfriend?" Nick's face was crimson as he sputtered out the question he'd been dying to ask, and waited for an answer, not quite prepared for rejection and unsure what he'd do if Jeff turned him down, especially since they were in public.

Jeff smiled softly, cheeks red as a cherry tomato, internal thoughts still reaffirming himself that that kiss with Nick DID in fact actually happen and he hadn't imagined it. On top of that, now his best friend, the boy he'd loved for two years+ was asking him out? Now it was Jeff's turn to be speechless.

"Nick, I would love nothing more than to be your boyfriend." He smiled brightly and wrapped his arms around the brunette's neck, kissing him again, this time on different terms, their first kiss as boyfriends and damn was it good.

After Jeff pulled away, Nick was beaming like a little kid, and laced his fingers with Jeff's. "Thank you, I was worried you'd say no…" He admitted, his blush dying down now.

"Can I ask you one thing, though?" Jeff cautiously replied, still in a bit of a haze.

"Anything. You deserve so many answers, Jeff and I'm pretty confident I can give you most of them, now." Nick nodded and received a thumbs up from Bryn as the ginger boy continued eavesdropping along with nearly half the audience surveying the pair of them.

"Why now? Why ask me out now, after everything? Are you sure you're not just feeling required to do this? I don't want you to feel forced, Nick. I want this to be your own decision, not influenced at all." Jeff confirmed, squeezing the boy's hand tightly and gazing into deep brown eyes.

"Because I finally had time to find myself; I realized who I am and embraced it. I was forced to make my own decisions without knowing anyone to help teach me the ropes, or have a history with-no offence-but I came to Brighton not knowing anyone and had to make my way and discover more about myself and what I needed to do to mature and accept myself. Then I thought about what you'd said and how you felt about me and really thought about what I felt towards you then compared to now when I actually have a good grasp on myself. I gave it time and still all my thoughts came back to you, Jeff. I really just want you." Nick smiled gently at the blonde, not caring how sappy his confession was. He understood what it meant now to love someone. He didn't feel rushed into making the decision, he had months to sort out his emotions and he had years of experience being Jeff's best friend to realize how much his feelings had changed and began to maturely make a decision about taking their relationship to the next level. This was purely Nick's choice and despite the fact Jeff had confessed his love before, Nick had made this decision all independently.

"Well, you can have me for as long as you want…I am SO proud of you, Nick. I love you…I never stopped loving you, I tried, believe me-Even ask the boys-but I couldn't. I couldn't forget how I felt about you and I'm just so happy that you're here." Jeff grinned widely and hugged Nick again before the pair of them were interrupted by a loud knock at the door.

Flint, who had drank way too much alcohol, knowing he couldn't handle this confrontation between Nick and Jeff sober, stumbled to the door with a Cheshire grin, opening it wide to reveal and wide-eyed Thaddeus Harwood. "THAD'S ARRIVED! WES, YOU OWE ME! FORK OVER THE BET MONEY, BABY!"

"Flint, would you shut up! We're gonna get caught!" David warned, hissing through his teeth and shutting the door behind Thad. Some of Nick's Brighton buddies forced Thad into funnelling and Wes got a video as blackmail for a later date. Melanie and Felicity whom Nick had introduced to the boys earlier were being chatted up by Trent and Nelson and everyone seemed to be quite content with the evening's festivities.

Xx

Fortunately, the faculty had not got word of the boys' rule breaking extravaganza and Regionals went off without a hitch. Content with placing second, the boys celebrated on the ride home, minus one warbler who'd gone off with his newfound boyfriend for a tour of Brighton Hall. A few kinks in the road would have to be sorted out as to college applications and arranging visits between Dalton and Brighton but the boys were willing to work those out. They had each other and were content with taking things day by day. Niff was a work in progress, but the boys were willing to work hard to fight to keep their relationship strong and steady. After all, they had always had each other right there, it had just taken them a while to truly find one another, to this extent; but it was definitely worth the wait.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Nick gets more dialogue and focus in the next chapter.


End file.
